Tuesday, September 15, 2009

29th Round Knockout

I'm frustrated. But when am I not?
Ten years ago, I may have thrown myself into a filthy river. Waters overflowing with styrofoam cups and dirty needles just to prove my self worth. Today I would do no such thing. Is it because there is no need? Or is it because I have turned coward?
I'll go with the former. Today, with 30 staring me in the face, I have no need to prove myself to anyone. Only myself. I'm my harshest critic. When I went out to see Tik Tok the other night, I said to myself, "Fuck this band. I'm gonna start a new band and show these fucks what's what. They are going DOWN."
Of course I wouldn't even think that if I didn't think they were a great band. So kudos. But in my own juvenile Darwinian mind, I feel I need to destroy you. That's how I sike(is that spelled right?) myself up to become a rock god. I have to veiw you as competition, otherwise what the fuck am I doing?
I played with this kid Andrew last night and it was really spectacular. Good solid aggressive drummer. Fucked my head up. Perfect. Slow Pussy coming soon, fucks.
My life is strange lately. I'm happy with myself. Proud even. I've overcome major obstacles and life is starting to seem interesting again. Cold crisp air floods my body with the changing of the seasons. People seem decent. Women look beautiful. I feel the wind as a friend that I've long forgot about.
When me and Liz die we'll find each other somehow. I'll be a mist drifting through the atmosphere waiting for her to receive me and we'll be intertwined forever. Intoxicated on our own self worth. I love her and I can't wait to see her up in the sky somewhere. She'll be floating in a baby blue mist that'll make my unconscious mind quiver. I can't wait to die. It'll be nice.
Anyway. Suboxone detox has been terrible this week. Anxiety and sweat riddles my 5foot 9 frame. But I'm drug free. I'm starting to think that's cool. Sober mind. Hope I continue to think it's cool.
I want music and love. I've gone hippie. Fuck it. I still love Flipper. HAHAHAHAHA. I'm so tired. I haven't slept a wink. I'm so tired. My mind is on the blink.
"You've got no conscience when you're on your own."
I'm sending this one out to my man Beakey. You're hilarious and brilliant. Whatever keeps you going, don't lose it.
"I heard these foul slouch ass niggers talking shit about you on the corner of the boulevard last night but I didn't know you enough to defend you, right? I won the title a couple of times, did right."
Peace everybody. All three of you who read this. I might jump in traffic. Who knows?
"It's just a ride." Bill Hicks

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