My God Gave Me A Rod

Let's talk.
My mind has been twisted all day. I've been burdened all day by feelings of guilt. Two nights ago I got drunk and decided it would be a good idea to sniff a Perc 30. This is why I don't drink that much. All of my judgement and willpower falls by the wayside and the idea of putting any type of substance in my body, no matter how harmful, seems like a good idea. I awoke the next day with an overwhelming feeling of guilt for taking the pill and I've been dealing with the emotions as well as the physical reprocusions of my actions. I've been slightly dopesick and I feel as if I've opened up the gates that I had closed. I want drugs. I want the warm fuzz that comes with opiated divinity,that is as fleeting as the rush of a whippit. I feel terrified. Scared that I have crawled back into that old NEED. Wanting that rush that only drugs can provide.
Or so I thought.
My girlfriend Liz came over tonight and layed in bed with me. We hardly see each other anymore, seeing as how both of us don't have cars and no place to really be alone, as we both live with our respected authority figures. Me, my grandmother. Her, her parents. It had been a long time since we've just layed in bed together and talked and loved each other. It made me realize how much I enjoy her company. The pleasure of doing nothing with someone so special. I love the feeling of her in my arms. The feeling of my hands running through her hair and her telling me how much she loves it.
Before she showed up, I wanted to end it all. When she left I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. She tells me the truth. She shows me compassion and trust. I get lost in her mange and fall into all the narcissistic trappings of two people in love.
"We're the best. We're so lucky to have found each other. Most people spend there lives looking for what we have and we GOT it. I feel blessed to have found you. How the fuck did I find you?"
You know that these things have been said by millions of couples in love but it doesn't matter. You mean them and it goes beyond the pettiness of cliche. I feel blessed everytime I'm with her and I know that I have something more special than money or career. She has the heart of a baby and I'm torn to pieces everytime I realize that she's giving it to me. Think about it. Someone you love and respect giving themselves over to you. Commiting to YOU and all the bullshit that you bring.
Sometimes I turn hypocrite. Sometimes I turn stubborn. Sometimes I fly into a meaningless rage that leaves blood on the floor but she stays right there and even loves me for it. That's special. Sometimes I look at her face and see these soft features that are wracked with guilt, misery, and confusion and I want to fix it, but I know that she doesn't want me to fix it. She just wants me to be there through it all and if that's all it takes to please her, then I have the easiest job in the world. There's nothing I want more than to be there through all the badtimes. But when I say bad times I don't mean that we have them. She has them. I have them. But WE don't have them. We've always been OK. For over three years we've been perfect. I can count on my hands the number of times we've fought and it's always been about the stupidest of shit. Rent payments, drugs, or just general stupidity.
The past couple months has been us talking on the phone mostly cause it's so hard to spend time alone with each other since we lost our apartment, but on a night like tonight where we just lay in bed, holding each other, I realize how much I miss her. She feels so good against my chest that I want to burst into flames and die right there so we can enter the next world full of burning energy that will guarantee that we find each other out there somehow. How could we die and not find each other? That would be injustice. I hope there's something else out there, cause there's not enough time in this place. We need eternity and I really hope it's out there. She's too perfect for me.
I'm glad my friends don't really know her like I do. I'm glad that no one else really does. She's developed a rep as a drug user. For lack of a better word, a mess in every square's eyes that I know. She's the most compassionate person I've ever met and even though she doesn't always do the right thing, she wants to. And she tries to. She knows right from wrong and that's more than I can say for a lot of people. Some people don't even consider their place in the world and it shows. When her friends turn on her, she feels it. She loves her friends with everything in her. I know that. She talks about them all the time. She carries a torch for her best friend Ann Marie, who died over four years ago. Not a day goes by where she doesn't talk about her. Not a single day. I think that's amazing. I've never met a person who loves so much with such a black cloud hanging over her. That takes strength to keep going. I hope I'm part of that strength.
I can't help but gush. It's just been one of those nights where I feel like I've made all the right choices in my life. I didn't have a girlfriend for five years before I met Liz. For the longest time I thought that it was something wrong with me and that all of my experiences with women had turned me off to the whole thing so why even bother finding someone to commit to like that. Some girls were there but I just never wanted it. When I met her, I knew that she was someone I could take a chance on. I knew that I had made the right decision and I was right to wait for the person I was starting to doubt was out there. She was it and I knew it right away. She still turns me on. I still stick my fingers in her belt and pull her towards me when I want her. We're still each other's best company. She still has the best laugh of all time. The best smile. Gorgeous.
Tonight I wanted her so bad that I was gonna bite her face off. It's hard to get(ya know?)when your grandmother is in the next room. I can't wait till we get back on our feet and get on our own again. I miss her too much.
Nights like tonight let me know that nothing is so bad as long as she's around. I really believe that. Once again, I feel blessed. She's changed my life in so many ways that if she were to leave me right now, I would still feel forever in debt to her. She let's me know that I can do anything I want and I want her to know that she can do the same. She's brilliant and I want her to use it. She'd destroy you in anything you go against her in.
"My girl's wicked smaht."
Bottom line is is that a small regression into opiate use had me on the ropes for the past two days and I was really hating myself for it. I don't wanna go back there and I'm hoping it was just a one time thing and I can move on. I don't expect the guilt to go away but I know that I can move on from it. That's because of Liz. I met her at a point where I didn't think I was capable of feeling love for anyone again. She transformed my mindset in the blink of an eye. She gives me hope and let's me know that I can do whatever I want to do. And she doesn't even have to say a word.
P.S.
She's telepathic.