Years of Experience

I was bored. Half an eighth wasted last night, then Jules walked in with his 15 years of experience and shut everything down. I groped for attention but each little debutante I reached out to let me fall on my face like a crab. I moved to the kitchen where I worked on the whiskey but it was a futile attempt. Nothing was easy like it used to be. One moment you know you're name and the next you're playing with a lecherous character. I'd fall to the floor if I had the courage to be rejected by it. Each tile is a dare and I can't tell if I've got what it takes to jump.
More words do me harm but I stuck around to wait for myself. Each voice was leaning and burning like my mother's voice. She used to scream till every dish in the house gave in and killed itself. She was a bitch. She's a monster that's oblivious to it's destruction and the eyes of those watching it.
I spoke to a hipster about music but he didn't seem to care. Those people never do unless you have something to give them.
I broke into the living room with a disgust out of the bible.
"Tight jeans anyone? Apathy anyone?"
Mute rejection and the knowledge that I'd been beaten by lesser men.
"How old are you," someone asked me.
"20."
"Then why don't you act like it?"
That's funny. I thought I was the shining example of my particular age. Character and grace. Experience and beauty. More presence than a sunbeam with a lot more to say. I found my friends and said I wanted to leave.
"Why don't you just relax? I wanna stay for a little bit."
"Fine. I'm walking home."
I put my whiskey down and walked to the door, overwhelmed by the fact that no one tried to stop me. Even as I walked down the bike strewn hallway, I half expected some beautiful girl to beckon me back into the room, but the other half knew that no one cared and that was more true than the former.
I fucking hate parties.
I walked out of the door into Mission Hill summer. The street was filled with spoiled hipsters and date raping frat boys, as well as their victims. I watched each face with the presence of a ghost.
I started walking up Calumet to my apartment on Hillside. My room was a tent in an apartment with 6 other people, all of them couples. When they fucked it would shake the whole house as well as my pathetic nature.
"God, I hope no one's home," I thought. "I don't think I can deal with that right now."
My steps were sloppy but I wasn't that drunk. I felt like a lobotomy case and I walked accordingly. More ugly than sexy. Less smart than just plain dumb.
I saw the house and saw that Spanky and Audrey's bedroom light was on. My stomach turned. Right before I had moved into the house, a couple of months previous, I had sex with Audrey on my mother's couch. I resisted at first but gave in, thinking it might have something to do with me. Walking into the house, I knew she could hold it over me if she wanted to. I thought that if Spanky found out that he would kill me. Two years later she did tell him. He didn't kill me but looking back on it, he should have. I definitely deserved it.
I walked in. "Hello?"
Audrey poked her head out of the kitchen.
"Hey, what's up," she said. "Where you coming from?"
"Oh, just some party down the street."
"Who's party?"
"I don't know."
"Was Spanky there?"
"No."
"Oh, cause I haven't heard from him. We were supposed to hang out tonight but he hasn't come home."
"Yeah, I don't know."
"Ok."
"I'll be in the tent."
I walked up the wooden stairs and pulled back the tarp to my room. The room was a wall and three tarps used to simulate home. Anything can feel like home if you get used to it. Tents, prisons, girlfriends....whatever.
I ran my hand through my sweaty hair and sat down on the bed. I hit the eject button on my tape player and pulled out a bag of dope. I always used my tape player as a stash box. I just figured no one would look there. Not that anyone would be looking anyway. No one in the house knew that I did dope. They wouldn't have liked it. They'll sniff three 8 balls with you but the second you switch to dope you become a cancer patient. No one knows if it's a subject they should talk about, at least not to your face anyway. They always just seemed like hypocrites to me.
I dumped the bag out onto a Mazzy Star CD, cut it into two lines with my library card, rolled up a dollar bill and sniffed one of them. It only took about 30 seconds for the warm electricity to come over me. At the time I remember feeling sophisticated, like I was in a special club with all of my heroes. Me and Lou Reed were like THIS. Only 20 and I understood all the beautiful things in the world, where one minute before I didn't even recognize it. I was made only to expire and I didn't even care.
I leaned back and pressed play on the CD player. I waited for Fade Into You to come through the speakers.
"I wanna hold the hand inside you/I wanna take the breath that's true/I look to you and I see nothing/I look to you to see the truth."
I wondered who she was talking about. It didn't matter. All I wanted was to close my eyes and sing a simple song in my head. A simple drone to leak from my subconcious in blue, fuzzy, opiated drops. "Then this night will mean something. This night will have had purpose." All I needed was the drone. It came with a quiet hum from the back of my head and a few blurts of a trumpet from the middle. I wished I had something around to duplicate it. I couldn't play trumpet and I had nothing to record it on anyway. I told myself that not all things need to be documented and to just enjoy the sound in my head. That's how I justified my procrastination. I didn't want to get off the bed. I had talent with the simplicity of my drone, I just didn't have the ability.
If only I could show what was in my head. I wanted to speak with melody. I wanted sunshine rage. I wanted to cum like an animal and leave my victim for dead. I wanted everything I could have, right then and there, I just had no ability and didn't know if I ever would. I was doped up and content to be stuck to a bed. Totally content.
As the drone faded I sat up and sniffed the second line. More pleasure. More music.
Downstairs I heard Audrey's door open. Her footsteps were coming for the stairs. I hid the CD case and the dollar bill and tried to look human. I could hardly keep my eyes open.
Her feet were like rocks on the wooden steps. She reached the top and ripped open the tarp, exposing my opiated divinity.
"Wuz up," I said.
"Spanky's in the hospital. He got in a fight and got his ear ripped off. I guess he got bashed in the head with a free weight and it ripped his ear off. I gotta walk down to Brigham and Women's right now. You gotta come with me."
"Are you fucking kidding me? I don't wanna go anywhere. I'm too tired to even stand right now."
"C'mon. Please. I don't wanna walk through the neighborhood alone."
"Really?"
"Yeah! Spanky's really hurt. Don't you wanna see if he's alright?"
She was breathing heavy and looking right at me with her big swimming pool eyes. Who knew what this girl was capable of? She could ruin my life if she wanted to. All she had to do was tell our secret and Spanky would stab me in the neck. I had to go with her. I sat up knowing that my night was ruined. The drone was gone. I shut off Mazzy Star and put on my shoes. I looked at her. She looked good. I couldn't help but admire her potential viciousness.
"Alright, let's go."